Marcus L. Rowland (ffutures) wrote,
Marcus L. Rowland

Crackfic - Agents of the COA

Agents of the COA is a multi-author story about the "agents" who make fanfic (and Twisting the Hellmouth's "Crossing Over Awards" in particular) happen. It's a very silly idea, so I decided to add another chapter.

In the previous installment all of Buffyverse canon was stolen by Dr. Evil, leaving chaos...

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I know nothing.

Arrr! by MarcusRowland

Agents J and T were on another coffee break. Neither of them liked the COA Central brew, so they'd ducked into the Milwaukee branch of Expresso Pump in the world without shrimp, a quiet backwater that didn't see much fanfic action.

"Says here that the First Lady is divorcing President Kennedy," said Tara, leafing through the New York Tribune-Herald. "I could have told Willow that tramp was no good for her."

"That's odd," said Joyce, frowning at the paper, "Someone put that into a West Wing crossover drabble for a cheap joke, there's no way it should be canon here."

As she spoke there was a loud crash; she looked out of the window and saw Godzilla flattening a building a few blocks away, as a flying saucer disintegrated hords of fleeing citizens.

"Something's wrong with Canon," said Joyce.

"It's worse than that," said Tara. "I can feel a disturbance in the Plot, as though... as though all Canon has vanished."

"Crap. That means we need an implausible plot device to remedy things."

"It's worse than that," Tara repeated, looking into an Acme Implausible Plot Device(TM) she happened to have in her shoulder bag. "Something is warping the whole fanfic continuum, spreading out from the TTH crossover nexus to spread chaos to all of the universes that intersect there."

"Is there any intact canon?" asked Joyce.

"On the fringes, perhaps," said Tara. "Universes so obscure or new that nobody has ever written a Buffyverse crossover."

"Heroes!" said Joyce. "That's new! Hiro could reverse time and we could stop the Canon theft before it happens."

"Save the cheerleader, save the world," Tara said gloomily. "You really think someone didn't write that as a prophecy about Cordelia?"

"Crap. Dexter?"

Tara consulted the Plot Device again then shook her head. "He's kinda creepy, and someone wrote a CSI crossover then tied it into a Buffyverse crossover series."

There was an explosion somewhere nearby.

"Something old, then," Joyce said decisively. "Something robust with a good readership, so that Canon is secure, but flexible enough to help us. And no lesbians!"

"What?!" said Tara.

"No offence, but we need a clean break with all Buffyverse canon and fanon, and that means no lesbians. Except you, of course."

"Then we'll have to be careful," said Tara. "If there's even one potential lesbian around that could blow things. We'll need something with an all-male cast."

There was another explosion, even closer, followed by the rattle of a machine gun and several phaser blasts.

"That narrows it down," said Joyce. "Punch up the search engine - all male cast, some high-tech available, and enough violent potential to steal back Canon."

"Got it!" said Tara. "Here!" She slid the Acme Implausible Plot Device(TM) to Joyce, who glanced at it and smiled.

"Two to beam out," said Joyce, activating her interrocitor. They shimmered and vanished. Seconds later the entire World Without Shrimp was consumed by Galactus. When he was finished he frowned, pondered for a few hours, then sent the Silver Surfer to get him a jumbo seafood cocktail to go.

* * * * *

"So that's my proposal," Joyce said a few minutes later. "All the loot you can possibly desire, and the undying gratitude of several hundred beautiful young women."

"We'll need the newest version of the ship," said Tara, "but all of you can come along. There's enough for everyone."

"Are you with us?" asked Joyce, staring over the crowd.

With one voice several hundred pirates, including nine Long John Silver's, four Blind Pews, eleven Jims, six Squire Trelawneys and a flock of parrots, some of them robotic, said "Arrr!"

"Right then!" shouted Tara. "Let's board the starship Hispaniola, sailing for glory, for loot, and for sharks with fricking lasers on their heads!"

United, the pirates streamed aboard the ship. A few minutes later it cleared atmosphere and hoisted sail for the long run to Doctor Evil's lair.


I need hardly add that I have no intention of writing the next chapter...

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 1 comment