Marcus L. Rowland (ffutures) wrote,
Marcus L. Rowland

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Deeds of Maidenly Unkindness part VI

Here's the next chunk of the BtVS / St. Trinian's crossover - part VII will follow later today, because this seems to be the chapter that won't stop growing. Previous parts are at

This is a crossover between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the St. Trinian's films and books inspired by the cartoons of Ronald Searle. Minor spoilers up to season 7 of Buffy. Set after Season 7 BtVS, after Season 4 Angel. Since there is no real St. Trinian's continuity a mixture of characters from the films, books, etc. has been used. For a good web reference to the St. Trinians stories see

All characters belong to their respective creators / film companies / etc. and are used without permission, and without any intention of damaging their owners copyright. This story may only be distributed on a non-profit-making basis.

Work in Progress. If you like this story, check out my other stories on the Fanfiction Net, Twisting the Hellmouth, and Fonts of Wisdom websites.

I'm British, so's my spelling. Live with it.

Deeds of Maidenly Unkindness

by Marcus L. Rowland


"A what?" Willow asked the next morning.

"I think he said cluenicorn. Kinda like a leprechaun. Ring any bells?"


"That's it."

"Did you actually capture him? Because he's supposed to grant three wishes if you do."

"No.. not exactly, I kinda cornered him but I didn't really capture him."

"Thank the goddess. Cluricaun wishes are worse than the ones you get from vengeance demons, they always come out badly. The whole monkey's paw legend comes from them."

"Just as well I didn't ask for wishes. So... are they evil then?"

"Not really. They're thieves and drunkards, and they hate granting wishes so they tend to be spiteful about it, but that's about it."

"If what he said is true, he's probably all the supernatural action I'll see around here."

"Never mind, Kennedy thinks she's spotted a vamp nest in London. We can take it out next weekend, that'll give you a work-out."

"Yeah, that'd be good, get some shopping and clubbing done Saturday afternoon and evening, then a late-night slayfest."

"Meanwhile we'd better get down to breakfast, or we'll be late for our first classes."

Willow hurriedly finished dressing and they went downstairs together, passing Roberta Stone on the stairs. She watched them until they were out of sight then went to Willow's room, tried the door and found it was locked. She looked around furtively, then pulled out a large bunch of keys and started trying them one by one.

* * * * *

"...and so," Willow said to her sixth-form chemistry class an hour later, "the chloralkali industry is simultaneously one of the most important branches of chemical manufacturing, and probably the most troublesome industrial polluter. Take a look at the diagram on pages eighty-four and eighty-five, it'll give you a better idea of the way the different processes work together, and how things can go wrong if any one part of the industry gets out of step with the rest. Any questions before we go on?"

"Is it true you're a witch, Miss?" asked an anonymous voice from the back of the laboratory.

"Any questions about the chloralkali industry before we go on?" said Willow.

Another girl shouted "Turn her into a toad, miss!"

Willow looked at the girls, grinned, and said "I'm kinda out of toad spells. Could turn you both into rats, but I'm kinda out of practice and I might not be able to change you back."

"Go on miss, we won't hardly notice the difference."

"Are you calling me a rat?" shouted the first girl.

"I'm not turning anyone into a rat today," Willow said quietly, but with an air of menace, "but I am handing out detentions. Anyone want to guess how serious I am about that?" There was a sudden silence. "Now, getting back to the chloralkali industry, anyone here like science fiction?"

Three hands rose uncertainly. "Okay, Miss Post has got in a couple of copies of Zodiac by Neal Stephenson, it's a pretty good eco-thriller that has a lot of interesting things to say about the companies in that business. Take a look, you might enjoy it. That isn't an assignment, by the way, just a recommendation. The assignment I am giving you is to finish reading the chapter, answer questions two through seven using word equations and balanced equations where necessary, and let me have your work by Thursday's lesson. Okay, get your things together, and remember that we'll be doing an experiment tomorrow, so don't be late..."

* * * * *

Buffy turned her back on her third year gym class and arched backwards until her hands were touching the floor, then shifted her weight onto them and began to lift her feet from the floor. "Now this might look easy," she said, "but it's a little harder than it looks, and you'll have to work up to it slowly." She was standing on her hands, then lifted one hand from the floor, standing on one hand. "Okay, now you might be wondering what good this is, and the answer is it's pretty good for developing your muscle tone and sense of balance. Someone want to throw me a tennis ball from that bucket?"

One of the girls picked up a ball and threw it at Buffy, hard. She plucked it from the air with her free hand, tossed it up into the air, and said "now throw me another." Soon she was juggling five balls, eventually dropping one, and threw the rest back into the bucket, about fifteen feet away. "upside-down juggling is kinda tricky, and I'm generally better when I do it with throwing knives. Tennis balls just don't have the right heft to them, but I think I've got some juggling balls in my luggage, and if anyone actually wants to try their hand I'll take you through the basics. Now, I'm getting kinda bored here," she flipped from her hands back to her feet with blinding speed, "so let's get on to some calisthenics, that'll let me see what we need to work on before we move on to serious gymnastics...."

* * * * *

"Okay Abigail," said Willow, "did you decide what you want to keep in the aquarium?"

"Poison arrow frogs, Miss Rosenberg."

Willow sighed, and said "let's just go over the whole concept of 'harmless' again, shall we?"

* * * * *

"Oops," Buffy said guiltily, "Well, that was a smash followed up by a volley. Shame about the racquet, guess I hit it a little too hard. Anyone see where the ball went?"

"Here Miss Summers," shouted one of the first years, pointing at a hole in the netting around the court, and a small crater in the lawn outside it.

"New ball, please," said Buffy.

* * * * *

Willow walked around the IT lab, watching the fourth years working on a programming task that looked easy but was actually a lot harder than it seemed, made a few suggestions, then unlocked the system manager's office and sat down to check that the server was working properly. It was five minutes or so before she noticed an old leather-bound book on the shelf above the monitor. She looked at the cover, didn't recognise it, and cautiously said a protective spell, lifted it down, and opened it. She looked at the first few pages, puzzled, then turned on the desk lamp and tried lighting it from the side. Once she was sure what she was seeing she checked through the rest of the book, noted which pages were blank, and locked it into the office data safe.

"She's spotted the book," whispered Cathy. "Doesn't look very happy about it. I told you, it's some sort of code."

"Maybe." said Agnes. "You downloaded the files yet?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to work on them while she's watching. Wait until study period, we can get on-line then and see if there's a translation."

"And chat with Malcom."


In the office Willow pulled the door closed, made sure that nobody could see her desk through the windows, put her hands on the keyboard, and muttered a spell. Her hands briefly glowed, and something intangible moved from her body into the system.

* * * * *

"Okay, now I must admit I was surprised to see wrestling on the curriculum," Buffy said to the sixth form, her last class of the afternoon, "but it happens I've studied martial arts some, so I should be able to carry on with your training. Could I have a couple of volunteers please, I'd like to see what you can do. Anyone?"

Two of the larger girls came forward, each of them outweighing her by at least twenty pounds, not all of it muscle, and climbed into the ring. "Okay, Ingrid and.. um.. Hermione, isn't it? Let's try a four minute bout, usual rules, I'll referee."

Hermione ran at Ingrid and tried for a body slam, but Ingrid dodged, leaped on her back, and began to pull her hair. Hermione crashed into the ropes, screaming with anger, and bounced back onto her back with a loud thud, pinning Ingrid underneath. One of Ingrid's arms snaked around Hermione's neck and tried for a choke, but Hermione blocked it with her chin. Ingrid reached round with her other hand, aiming for Hermione's eyes, and Hermione grabbed her wrist, pulled it towards her mouth, and started to bite.

"Break!" shouted Buffy. Both girls ignored her. She blew her whistle loudly; when they still didn't stop she grabbed Hermione's nose, hoping she would open her mouth to breathe. Ingrid scythed a leg across the mat, catching the back of Buffy's ankles and knocking her off her feet. She went over backwards, breaking her fall with her arms, and bounced up again before either girl had time to respond. "Okay," said Buffy, "you girls think you can take me? Let's try...."

* * * * *

"I'm sorry, girls," said Willow, gently shooing a handful of students out of the computer laboratory, "it looks like someone bought a virus in with them today, and I'm gonna have to take care of it. Come back in the morning, things ought to be fine then."

"But miss," said Cathy, "I've got to type my essay."

"Use that laptop I saw you with last week, you can print it out in the morning. I'll open the lab extra early for anyone who needs it."

"But miss..."

"In the morning, Cathy. Now run along to tea."

* * * * *

"I'm sorry, Miss Fritton," Buffy said as Hermione was loaded into the ambulance, "I guess I let things get a little out of hand."

"Well, it'll teach both of them not to try a head-butt unless they're sure of their target."

"I'm pretty sure they're both just concussed," said the handsome paramedic, eyeing Buffy admiringly as he filled in some details on a form. "A night in the cottage hospital and they'll be as right as rain."

"You don't seem too worried," said Buffy.

"I'm out here so often they might as well base me at the school. Seen these two before, they've got heads as hard as rocks."

"Hope so."

"You'll see, they'll be fine. Okay, Miss Fritton, just need your signature on the dotted line, and we'll be on our way. Nice seeing you again. And nice meeting you, miss."

"A pleasure as always, Albert." said Miss Fritton.

"Likewise," said Buffy.

Albert shut the doors and the ambulance drove off. "Nice guy," said Buffy.

"Salt of the earth," said Miss Fritton, "and I'm sure that when the bigamy case finally comes to trial he'll be acquitted without a stain on his character."


"Albert has at least two wives and seven children. There just seems to be a little confusion about the precise status of his first marriage when he married the second wife."

"Okaaay.... maybe I'd better cross him off the list of eligible guys I've seen here."

"That would probably be a good idea. Anyone else I might know on your list?"

"Since he was the only guy on it..."

"Ah well... Talking of young men, didn't you say that you and Miss Rosenberg were visiting Harry for dinner tonight?"

"Harry? Young? Well... kinda old for me, I think."

"Yes, I suppose so, but it's a large family, there might be someone more suitable. In any case, shouldn't you be getting ready?"

"I guess. Don't I have to fill in some sort of official report?"

"Good heavens, whatever for? Nobody's going to complain about those two getting hurt, if anything it might teach them a lesson."

"If you're sure?"

"Positive. Now run along, you don't want to be late."

"Okay, thanks."

* * * * *

Buffy found Willow in the computer lab, pacing restlessly and watching the screens as cryptic numbers and messages flashed by. She said "What's up?"

"I found a book on my desk this afternoon. I'm pretty sure it was a copy of the Book of Moloch. And the first few pages were blank."

"How's that possible? I thought we'd killed him off for sure. Wasn't the original book a one-off anyway?"

"You did and it was, but if the book was somehow duplicated it's just possible that any copy could release him. Say someone did a spell to duplicate the book, or bought in a copy from another time line. Wesley told me that there's a big inter-dimensional trade in contraband books."

"How close a copy is it?"

"I can't actually read more than a few words at a time without triggering the spell and releasing him on the physical plane, but it looks pretty much identical to the original. The good news is that a lot of the text is still there, that ought to mean that he'll be minus a lot of his power."

"Any idea where it came from?"

"My first guess was Gwendolyn Post, but it seemed a little too obvious. Besides, the computer lab's on a flight of stairs, there's no way she'd get her wheelchair up there. Anyway, why would anyone scan part of it, then leave it with someone who'd know what it was almost instantly?"

"So what do we do?"

"I'm already on it; I've locked the book away and sealed the safe magically, and I've got three different anti-virus and anti-Trojan programs running, plus some spells that ought to keep him safely contained if the software doesn't get him. But it's kinda worrying."

"Can you actually do anything about it right now?"

"Not really, it'll take hours for the software to run completely across the network. Why?"

"Sounds like we might as well go visit Flash Harry then."

"But Buffy..."

"No buts. If you stay here you're just gonna fret. You kinda promised you'd fix his granddad's computer, and Miss Fritton knows it. She seems to think it's important to stay in his good books, and that means we need to do our part. C'mon, let's go shower and get ready."

* * * * *

"Sammy?" Roberta said to her mobile phone as she walked from the school towards the village. "..yes, Bobby of course, who were you expecting?.... Yes... Yes... Yes, just as you suspected, dear. I'm ninety percent sure of it... No... Yes... Well of course, but don't leave it too long... Mmm... yes, love you too, darling... mmmm.... bye then.."

She folded the phone and put it back into her pocket, and went into the pub. There was a new barmaid there, and Roberta wanted to check out her form before the place filled with the local yokels. She didn't look gay, but it was always worth checking.



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