Marcus L. Rowland (ffutures) wrote,
Marcus L. Rowland

BtVS / Harry Potter: And Seven Times Never Kill Man

I've been clearing out old files - I'm not sure when I wrote most of this but it was more or less complete, I've just tidied it up a little and added the last line. Not sure it's my best work but I really don't feel like doing more with the idea. Comments would be appreciated. Completely non canon-compliant for Harry Potter, post BtVS S7 and Angel S5 for the Buffyverse, major character death.

And Seven Times Never Kill Man

Marcus L. Rowland

But kill not for pleasure of killing, and seven times never kill Man!
Rudyard Kipling
The Law of the Jungle
From The Second Jungle Book

"Avada kedavra!" said Voldemort. The blonde slumped to the floor of Voldemort's mansion, and Malfoy scuttled to take the scroll from her hand.

"Read it aloud," Voldemort said in bored tones.

"My lord, I.."

"Read it!"

"Uh... To Tom Riddle, Self-styled Lord Voldemort" Malfoy hesitated again

Voldemort said "Crucio." Malfoy fell to the floor, screaming, as Voldemort added "Wormtail. Read the letter."

"I.. um... I.."


To Tom Riddle, Self-styled Lord Voldemort

It has come to our attention that the faction of wizards you lead has taken to attacking non-magical humans, those you refer to as muggles.

As you will know, it is the duty of the Watcher's Council to protect the human race from all magical and supernatural threats. However, the former leaders of the Council found it expedient to treat the so-called Wizarding World as a human faction, and thus outside its remit. Following the defeat of the First Evil and the Senior Partners the leadership of the Council has changed.

At the urging of numerous interested parties including representatives of the Wizarding World, and in solemn conclave of the Reformed Watcher's Council, the following decisions have been made:

1: That wizards are a separate species distinct from humanity.

2: That they should be treated as such, in accordance with the practices of the Reformed Watcher's Council.

Since you may be unfamiliar with these practices, they can be summarised as follows:

1: If it behaves leave it alone

2: If it hurts anyone squash it like a bed-bug.

3: No second chances.

Congratulations. You have what you wanted. It only remains for us to point out that you have already had numerous first chances.

Yours faithfully,

Rupert Giles - For the Watchers
Buffy Summers - For the Slayers


William The Bloody
Xander Harris
Albus Dumbledore

"Crucio!" Wormtail joined Malfoy on the floor. Voldemort picked up the scroll, read it for himself, and smiled grimly. Was he supposed to be afraid? The arrogance of the muggles astounded him. Yes, if they genuinely had William The Bloody working for them it could be a nuisance, perhaps, but nothing more. He'd never heard of the others. He still couldn't believe that one of them had had the audacity to walk into the house waving a white flag and carrying the scroll. He wasn't sure how she'd found him, but her body could accompany his reply. He glanced towards the corpse... and saw Malfoy's body on the floor in its place, his neck twisted at an impossible angle. There was a muffled crack. Voldemort jerked his head round, but not as far as Wormtail, who had joined Malfoy in death. The blonde still held him by the neck, but let him fall to the floor as Voldemort swung his wand round. "Avada kedavra!"

"Ouch," said the blonde, with a total lack of pain in her voice, and started to walk towards him.


"Not helping here," said the blonde, grabbing the wand from his hand and snapping it. Before he cound try a wandless spell she snapped a fist into his throat, crushing his larynx. Around her the surviving Death Eaters fired off curse after curse, all equally ineffective.

She paused, and said "Before I kill you, mister Bond..." and snapped Voldemort's neck. "Okay, let's make that after I've killed you. It's gonna take you a few seconds to die, so you might as well know that all your Horcrux are belong to us, have a nice time in hell. Oh, and the rest of you guys..." She gestured for them to come closer. "Got a little secret for you..." Spell after spell hit her, her skin began to burn, and she staggered back from the Death Eaters.

"Okay," said the blonde as they closed in for the kill. "You want to know the secret?" Her skin was peeling back as it burned, revealing a metal skeleton, wires, motors, and steel cylinders. "Let there be light."

The explosion destroyed the house, killed everyone inside it, and rattled windows five miles away.

On a hilltop just outside the blast radius Willow waited for the spots to clear from her eyes, put her hand on Giles' shoulder to steady herself, and said "Scratch Buffybot seven, and scratch one Dark Lord."

"They're all dead?" asked Harry, his thumb still pressed firmly on the remote control trigger.

"Yeah... I kept them from apparating out... none of them got away. And it was your hand on the button, so you're off the hook for the prophecy."

"Next time," said Illyria, "I wish to deliver the message."

Giles looked in his diary, smiled, and said "Would Innsmouth next Thursday suit you?"


Later added a couple of lines to cover a certain prophecy.
Tags: btvs, fanfic, harry potter

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