Marcus L. Rowland (ffutures) wrote,
Marcus L. Rowland

Fanfic: Top Gear / Wallace & Grommit / Multiple Crossovers - They Saved Milton Keynes: 3/4(?)

This is Top Gear / multiple surprise crossover fanfic, and a bit silly. You have been warned.

Earlier parts are here, or soon will be.

They Saved Milton Keynes

Marcus Rowland


X - The Asteroid: T-6

“Now technically,” said Jeremy, “we really ought to be dead at this point.”

Panning the camera across the cratered surface of the small asteroid, Gromit nodded his agreement.

“We really weren't expecting an asteroid this size to have an atmosphere, let alone one we could breathe, and it's certainly made things a lot simpler. It means that Captain Slow can set up the bomb, while Wallace and the Hamster are cannibalising the caravan to turn the Bug into a stretched version that ought to hold us all. Nobody's quite sure where The Stig has got to, but he'll probably turn up sooner or later. Meanwhile I'm going to do a little exploring. C'mon, Gromit, walkies.”

He set off across the surface, rising several feet into the air between steps. On his third landing the ground gave way below him, and he plummeted down into the dark.

Gromit scratched his head, pointed the camera down the hole, couldn’t see anything, and after a little reflection went off to find the others.

XI - The Asteroid: About 30 minutes later

“So where’s The Stig gone?” asked James, tightening one of the nuts in the scaffolding that now supported a large cylinder covered with radiation symbols.

“Oh dear, I really don’t know,” said Wallace, making tea nearby. “Hmmm… we’re running a little low on cheese. Hope we’ve still got enough for the return flight. Actually, I thought he was with you.”

“Nope. He went off somewhere while we were unloading the nuke, haven’t seen him in a couple of hours.”

“Come to that, I haven’t seen Mister Clarkson around either.”

“Maybe he fell off the asteroid,” James said hopefully. “The way he was leaping around he could easily reach escape velocity.”

“Odd that,” said Wallace. “With so much air around, you’d think the gravity would be stronger.”

Gromit ran up, carrying the camera, and began to mime something complicated.

“What’s that, Skippy,” said James. “Timmy’s fallen down the well?”

Grommit started to mime again. He had a feeling that this was going to be a long job.

XII - Inside the Asteroid: An hour later

After wandering through interminable tunnels, lit by dim phosphorescence, Jeremy found himself in a larger chamber, where there was a pool of bubbling liquid, and a fair amount of steam. In the distance, concealed by the mist, he could hear splashing.

“Hello?” shouted Jeremy. The splashing stopped.

An odd booming voice shouted “Vo blo, glob blig blog vil blod, splod globu.”

“Anyone there speak English?” shouted Jeremy.

Something loomed out of the mist; a six-limbed scaly reptilian form, about the size of a large pony, holding a large copper cauldron in one hand and a ladle in the other. “blog vil blod, lob voogle blod.”

“Sorry, mate,” said Jeremy, “no speak-a the lingo.”

The creature stared at him, shrugged, then disappeared into the mist again. Moments later it reappeared, carrying a copper bowl, gave it to Jeremy, then ladled some purple bubbling liquid into the bowl.

“Thanks, that’s very kind of you, but I’m actually looking for the exit.”

“blo, glob blig blog.” It looked at Jeremy expectantly.

“Oh god, you want me to eat it, don’t you?”

The creature nodded at him.

Jeremy sniffed cautiously. “Well, it doesn’t smell as disgusting as it looks.”

“Vlorb klootuk,” said the creature, looking a little annoyed.

“Really? You really want me to eat this?”


“Oh bugger.” Jeremy raised the bowl to his lips and risked a tiny sip. “Um… oh, actually that’s not too bad.” He took another mouthful. “A bit like borsht. Yum!” He ate some more. Eventually the creature seemed satisfied.

Jeremy burped loudly. “Thanks, that was excellent, but I really need to be heading home. My compliments to the chef.”

“Blib glob vlob floorrxx.” The reptile looked pleased.

“So how do I get out of here?” asked Jeremy.

As if by magic The Stig appeared out of the mist, and gestured for Jeremy to follow.

XIII - On the Asteroid: T-5

“Well, this is a bit of a bugger,” said James, looking down the hole. “No telling where Jeremy or the Stig have ended up, there could be miles of tunnels in there.”

“The whole asteroid is only the size of the Albert Hall,” said Sir Patrick’s voice over the radio. “How hard can it be to find him?”

“Well I’m not going down there,” said Richard, dropping a coin down the hole. He couldn’t hear it land.

“If we bugger off now,” said James, “there’ll be a lot more room in the Bug, and we can detonate the bomb sooner.”

“Won’t that kill Jeremy?”

“And your problem with that is…?”

“Dropped something down the hole?” asked a familiar voice. They looked up to see Jeremy and The Stig watching them.

“We thought we’d lost you,” said Richard.

“No such bloody luck,” added James.

“Absolutely amazing down there,” said Jeremy. “Absolutely miles of tunnels, and this big dragony thing that gave me a bowl of soup.”

“Just a moment,” said Sir Patrick over the radio, “are you saying that there’s intelligent life on the asteroid?”

“In it, not on it,” said Jeremy. “And it can’t be all that intelligent, it didn’t even want a tip.”

“That’s terrible,” said Sir Patrick, “We’ll need to change our plans. Can you use the rockets to change the course of the asteroid without destroying it?”

“It’s a bit late for that,” said James.

“Can you imagine what the UN will say if you destroy an intelligent alien?”

“Doctor Who does it all the time,” said Jeremy.

“Only as a last resort,” said Sir Patrick. “Now get back to the rocket, and I’ll run a few calculations and tell you what to do.”

“Great,” said Jeremy. “Now we’ve got a bloody international incident on our hands.”

XIV - On the Asteroid: fifteen minutes later

“Oh, there you are,” said Wallace, looking up from his tools.

“Bit of a problem,” said Jeremy. “Sir Patrick wants a change in plans. Can we turn the Bug on its nose and use the engines to drive the asteroid off course?”

“Not really,” said Wallace. “Um… who are your friends?”

“Friends?” said Jeremy. "It’s just… oh bugger!”

Without anyone noticing three pink humanoids had appeared behind Jeremy and The Stig. They were about five feet tall and had big ears, long wuffly noses, and wore garments made out of pieces of hammered metal, held together by rings like chain mail. One of them whistled at Jeremy. All of them were carrying things that looked like weapons or tools.

“I thought you said a big dragony thing,” said Richard.

“That was green, these guys are pink.”

One of the creatures pointed the metal rod it was carrying at the bomb, and whistled again. The others moved to either side, picked up some of the tools that were lying around, and began to take the bomb apart, whistling as they worked.

“I think that must be their way of talking,” said Richard.

“Don’t just stand there,” said Jeremy. “Stop them, we’ve only got a few days to save the M1... and Milton Keynes too, I suppose.”

One of the aliens whistled again, and The Stig replied.

“Whoa!” said James. “The Stig can talk to them!”

“Tell them we need the bomb,” said Jeremy.

The Stig didn’t reply, but moved to stand between Jeremy and the aliens.

“Are you helping them?” said Richard.

The Stig nodded.

“You’re going to spoil everything,” said Jeremy. “What sort of ratings do you think we’re going to get if we let the asteroid hit the Earth?”

The Stig mimed something, and Gromit mimed back. After a few minutes Richard said “I think that The Stig is saying that the aliens can use the bomb to change the course of the asteroid without destroying it.”

While they had been talking the aliens had assembled an elaborate collection of junk, which they seemed to be wiring into the bomb, under the supervision of another alien (or possibly a robot), which looked like a strange metal bird. Occasionally it darted into the machinery to move a component.

“That looks really ingenious,” said Wallace, “but I’m not sure I understand what they’re doing.”

“Well, I can’t put the bloody thing back together,” said James. “Nuclear physics has never been my strong point.”

The exposed metal core of the bomb began to glow blue, and the aliens backed away hastily. The metal structure began to emit deafeningly loud musical notes.

“Oh great,” said Jeremy, “they’ve converted the bomb into a giant nuclear ghetto blaster.”

“Wait!” said Sir Patrick. “I think… yes, the asteroid’s orbit is changing. It’s slight, but if they can keep that up for a few hours it should miss the Earth completely!”

“Eee!” said Wallace. “Well, that’s one problem solved. But if this thing’s changing course we need to get moving, there might not be enough fuel to get home if we wait too long.”


Adding a crossover with The Clangers, of course!

And a round of applause to the filking fraternity, who managed to guess where this story was headed - I really had no idea that anyone had written a Clanger-centric version of Falling Down to Milton Keynes!

Comments please before I post to archives
Tags: fanfic, surprise crossover, top gear, wallace & gromit

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